YOUR STORY
(Below is information that was on the Mothers Be Heard website - before Your Storyline had been concieved. For an understanding of this context see MBH The Story.)
MBH Your Story
submissions
Most of the submissions below came from the main Your Story section on mothersbeheard.com but I have also included submissions made to the ART (IVF) Mums section of Your Story:
Positive Light
You Might Never Have
Children
Rocky Start
Changing Faces
Just Want to Say Hi...
Not What I Expected
Decided Not to Tell
Reflux Baby
Incarcerated
A Well Meaning Mother
Myself as a Mother - A
Struggle
Motherhood Second Time
Round
What Do We Tell Our
Children?
When Your Children
Aren't Babies Anymore
Positive Light
by Trish
Before motherhood I was a
work-a-holic, shopping legend, party animal with a
goal to travel to as many countries as often as
possible (OS 6 times in two years!). Just before I
got pregnant, my father became gravely ill, which
totally rocked my world. It was at this point in
which I had a huge life reassessment and wicked self
indulgent ways came to an end. I saw that life
itself was now the gift, not all of those things
which I once found so important. My pregnancy was
bitter sweet, as I was watching my beautiful father
get sicker and loosing his fight for life, while I
was growing a new life inside of me. Against the
odds, my father lived to meet his grandson but to my
devastation, died shortly afterwards. I miss my dad
terribly and am sure that I would have totally
fallen apart had I not had a little person to rely
on me.
My baby is my positive
light which gives so much happiness for me and my
gorgeous supportive husband. There are those days
when I miss the excitement, personal time,
interaction & money of my old life. Going from a
clever career girl to the ‘changing nappies house
maid’ is a big change, but the ‘sense of whole’ and
personal joy I get from my little baby is something
which I would not swap for any massive salary
package offered. I know that my identity is not lost
- it is just in the process of being reinvented into
a new and better model.
photograph ©
Kate Elms from 'Being Mummy'
You Might Never Have
Children by Sue
All I ever wanted to be
was a Mum....One doctor's appointment looked to
destroy that with a well meaning but ill informed
doctor telling me "you might never have children".
This is where my journey began, being told that you
might never have children isn't the ideal start.
Anyway, after many
appointments, failed fertility treatment, raging
hormones, invasive procedures, a stressful and
frightening pregnancy later we became parents to a
beautiful boy Sam! I've never been so happy or
relieved in my life. He is perfect in everyway and
when he was 9 months old we decided to put ourselves
through it all again and we were lucky enough to be
given a beautiful little girl, Jessica. Our family
was complete, we were the happiest we had ever been.
Then we noticed that Sam
wasn't like other children and so began our journey
to get the help we needed for our beautiful
"perfect" son. The journey continues today and I'm
still the luckiest Mum to have two beautiful
children but being a Mum is the hardest job in the
world and I wonder some days if it will ever get
easier. I think the answer is NO but I wouldn't
change it for anything.
Having my children has
changed the direction of my life and taken me on a
journey that I would never of imagined for myself,
one of advocacy, political agendas and a completely
different career. I'm thankful everyday for my
children.
Rocky Start
by Anonymous
After reading the stories
above, my memory is cast back 5 years to the birth
of my 1st child named L. This is where 'the guilt'
began. Thankfully I experienced a text book
pregnancy and natural birth but as a thirty
something, independent perfectionist I wrongly
believed I had this motherhood business all figured
out.
The cot was assembled,
the calming ocean theme mobile hanging overhead and
pristine white singlets were neatly folded and
stacked in pretty painted, and of course, stencilled
drawers. I had read parenting books cover to cover,
naively sniggered that tantrums only happened to ill
prepared parents, and finally I sat back and dreamed
of leisurely strolls with a contented, sleeping and
happy baby. This is how I had approached every
situation in my life thus far and my organisational
skills had served me well. I had no reason to think
motherhood would be any different. WRONG...Initially
I was completely overwhelmed by absolutely
everything ranging from the most awful sleep
deprivation to my inability to just get on top of
housework and the like. I suffered real feelings of
resentment towards the baby (he had taken away my
life) and even briefly considered adoption, however
this was not an option of an adoptee. These
unresolved feelings of resentment only lead to even
greater feelings of the worst of all human emotions
- the dreaded guilt. I constantly questioned myself
as to why such a capable person like me was
struggling and why wasn't I enjoying my baby like
all the other mothers appeared to be. Mostly I spent
those early days attending to tedious daily tasks
and staring blankly at a baby that was quite
honestly just plain downright boring for the most
part. I felt like a caged animal, trapped and unable
to break free.
So just imagine all these
emotions are running rampant inside my mind but
somehow all the while I plastered on a numb smile
and pretended to everyone who loved and cared about
me that I was not only managing well but just loving
motherhood as it was so rewarding (choke, gag). I'm
shaking my head in disbelief as I write.
Fast forward five years
and here I am with not one but two children; a boy
and a girl now aged 5 and 2 and wait for it;
enjoying them. The introduction to motherhood for me
was a rough and bumpy ride but I'm pleased to be
able to say with a real smile that it was definitely
worth it. I'm certainly not the same person I was BC
but I have maintained my identity with a careful
balance of work (sometimes), kids and hobbies. My
cleaning/tidying standards have dropped
significantly, and surprisingly I've learned to live
with a little more mess in my life. The journey is
far from over and I constantly face new challenges
(school etc) but have realised it is the support and
practical help from friends and family that have
made the difference. I now accept help (guilt free)
when it is offered and I try to provide the same
community spirit wherever I can. Remember it takes a
whole community to raise a child.
Changing Faces
by Aunty K
Somehow I'm into the
second decade of motherhood and it just keeps
changing! I'm grateful for good health and good
supports to keep up with my children and their
interests. It's been a rollercoaster and I have the
feeling that the ride is far from over. I have the
feeling that I need to keep fit and alert for the
task ahead. The first year of mothering was
transformational.
I felt like I was
connecting to a wonderful kind of women's mafia
almost, but the flip side was that sudden new
vulnerability: every child on the planet could be
mine and I FELT that in new and scary ways. For
instance: H and I went to see a the film
Trainspotting and I was undone completely for
days after because of the death of the infant by
neglect in that flick. Now I'm doing a new step in
the squeeze with trying to keep something of my
career happening, aged parents, teens and preens
(and all their friends!) in my house, working on a
marriage that's great but now 20plus year along and
trying to pay the bills.......somewhere there's got
to be some space for me......... Overall...I think
being flexible is a great skill if you have it and a
sense of humour........
Just Want To Say Hi...
by About Wee
Hi fellow mums, This is
my first time to this forum so wanted to say "Hi". I
am an early-thirty year old mum of a ten month old
little girl that we have affectionately called
Flappy - because of way she demonstrates her
happiness & excitement. I recently made the decision
to not go back to full time employment. So I am now
officially unemployed. But as you all know, I am far
from bored!
About six weeks after my
daughter was born (& she was four weeks prem) I was
diagnosed with postnatal depression. I'm at the
point where I can say it has been one of the best
things that has ever happened to me, but it has
taken a lot of hard work, therapy & support for me
to do so.
Not What I Expected
by Jasmine
I really wanted to have a
child and be a mother, but I can't say the
transition was easy for me. For starters my little
boy had reflux - both silent and projectile. This
meant that he was pretty unsettled, had screaming
fits and created lots of washing when he vomited.
The reflux started settling when he was 5months old
and on solids and it was then that I could see that
he really had a lovely personality and it was the
reflux that had made him grizzly.
The other challenging
aspect of early motherhood for me was that he didn't
attach to the breast. I tried and tried to do the
breastfeeding thing because I really wanted to give
my baby the best food and I (wrongly) thought that
it should be such a natural/ easy thing to do. I
went to the breastfeeding clinic and used nipple
shields which just made my nipples bleed and HURT. I
came to absolutely dreading the one feed in the day
that he had on the breast. The other times I sat
like a cow on a machine and expressed milk 4hourly -
my husband doing the night feeds while I expressed.
I felt like such a failure that I couldn't
breastfeed my own baby - why couldn't I do what
everyone else seemed to do effortlessly?? The
expressing got heaps harder in the day once my
husband went back to work. My baby just screamed for
the 15 long minutes it took to express because no
one could hold him and jig him around which was the
only thing that settled him a bit. I also started
feeling like I was on tender hooks because often my
baby would only nap for 10minutes in the day before
my heart sank at the sound of his screaming knowing
that I wouldn't even be able to go to the toilet
properly, let alone have a shower.
I thought that having a
baby would be busy but I didn't think that it
wouldn't be very enjoyable. I felt guilty for
thinking this and for my decision to stop expressing
after 6weeks and put him on the bottle. The 'Breast
is Best' message was so strong that it was with
absolute relief that my kind neighbour asked me if
I'd be able to pick who was breastfed and who was
bottle-fed from a school photo. What an angel she
was for saying that!!! She was right, and helped me
see the bigger picture. For a perfectionist this
baby thing seemed to be full of things that I
couldn't control and my life was completely
overtaken with looking after this little person. I
don't think I expected life to be like this and was
a bit shell shocked by it all. I still feel a bit
eclipsed by motherhood at times, but at least there
are a lot more good moments now.
photograph ©
Mick Bradley from 'Being Mummy'
Decided Not To Tell
by Anonymous
Thanks to IVF we have a
BEAUTIFUL 8 month old daughter who is now the centre
of our world and each day we look at her and feel so
blessed. We fell pregnant using the ICSI technology
and were incredibly lucky to fall pregnant in the
1st cycle. I know we are one of the lucky one's and
my heart goes out to all couples going through the
IVF treadmill.
I sometimes look back and
reflect on what we have been through and how far we
have come. I remember it like it was yesterday
sitting in the Dr's surgery when we were told my
husband had no sperm - not that there was a few but
actually NO sperm. From there it was an anxious 2
week wait to see the fertility specialist and like
when you buy a new car, you look for your car on the
road - well everywhere we looked we saw these kids
and happy families. It was like rubbing salt in a
wound and was so hurtful. Friends all around us were
falling pregnant and it seemed to be so easy for
them. We kept thinking why us, what did we do wrong.
Now after coming as far
as we have and wanting more children our worries
have expanded to can we have more children, will we
be lucky again, can we afford it, how long
emotionally can we put ourselves through it. We have
several embryo's frozen which we already consider
our children - what happens to them, I can't destroy
them????? I don't think anyone can understand what
you are going through until they have experienced it
themselves.
For this reason my
husband and I decided not to tell anyone about our
journey, I guess because we didn't want their
sympathy and we didn't want them to view our
daughter any different. But sometimes when I feel
cheated and a little angry about it I want to tell
my friends and I want their sympathy and I want them
to know that they shouldn't take it for granted; how
easy it is for them to get pregnant when there are
so many people that have to take the long road to
have kids - if at all. I want them to know that it
costs us thousands of $ each attempt and that is
something they will never have to complain about.
This happens in waves.
but each time I look at my daughter and I am just
thankful, grateful and do my best to loose the
negativity. Parenting is such a life changing
journey that no matter what people tell you I don't
think you can be prepared until it actually happens
and now we wouldn't want it any other way!!! I have
chosen the colour red because to me it reflects
different moods - excitement, frustration, fun,
sunny, upbeat etc.
Reflux Baby
by Tash
I have a 7 month old son
who has an extreme case of reflux. He was born 5
weeks early and only weighed 3 pound. Not only was
it a long struggle with the birth and complications
thereafter, now he has reflux.
It took a while to
diagnose but our paediatrician recommended a scan at
the hospital which confirmed he had extreme reflux.
He was chucking up all the time and screaming in
pain. The doctor started him on Losec but this
didn't seem to help. I was breastfeeding up until 2
days ago and giving him formula overnight. I have
tried that many formulas it's not funny and now that
I thought I had found "the one" he has gone
backwards and the chucking is very bad, will not
sleep for more than 2 hours overnight, 40 mins in
total during the day.
I am physically and
mentally exhausted. I hate seeing my baby so tired,
yet unable to stay asleep because of the throwing
up, pain etc. He is a very happy baby during the day
but by the time night comes he is that exhausted
from no sleep that he is miserable. I also have him
on Gaviscon for the reflux. I used to always think
of reflux as just a chucky baby but now I realise it
is a major problem and affects your whole lifestyle
and the household. Not only are you extremely tired,
you are a 24 hours Laundromat as the baby throws up
on everything, all day. During the day, if you can
try sitting the baby up while feeding her and once
finished keep her upright for as long as possible.
The reflux seems to be
worse when you lay them flat. I also found that you
shouldn't try and put them down for a nap straight
after a feed. I had bought a wedge which basically
keeps the baby in a confined space in the crib and
turned him on his side. Also put a blanket or
something under the crib mattress to elevate their
head as this seems to help also. All of this seemed
to work better when he was younger but now that he
is more active and able to roll around etc it's much
harder to control. Hope this helps a little! If
anybody has advice please let us new mums know.
Administrators note: Reflux is indeed very taxing on
everyone. If you haven't already, you can
visit
www.reflux.org.au
and the discussion board on
www.bubhub.com.au
has a reflux advice section by a professional.
In South Australia, there is also the
Gastroenterology Nurse at the Women's and Children's
Hospital: 8161 700
Incarcerated
by NLee
My apologies first to
those who try hard to conceive but are unsuccessful;
I am not being ungrateful, just unsure how to
progress forward.
BC I had a job I loved, a
home in Fiji and promotion arms length away. But my
choice was to get married and migrate to NZ and
within the first year I had a baby, of which six
months my husband was away in OZ working.
Now I am a full time mum
with no transport to go out. I stay indoors all day
since I find the weather too cold to go out and I am
unable to call the people I love due to budget
constraints. So, basically, I have minimum
contact with the outside world. Not sure where I am
going with this but I feel suffocated after marriage
and AC. My only solace is the internet.
A Well-Meaning Mother
by Kirsty Newbury
My transition into
motherhood was one of the most terrifying and yet
amazing experiences of my life so far. I had no idea
that one little person could have so much influence
on the way I saw the world, the way I saw my friends
and family, and the way I saw myself. I went from
being a very independent, career-focused women-
completely time-rich and self-sufficient, to being a
mother- indispensable, needed and completely
controlled.
Of course that all got
better as time went on, but no one ever tells you
how emotionally draining being a mother can be. How
you can be so devoid of sleep to the point of
delirium, and yet blissfully contented and satisfied
with your new role. How just when you think you
finally have five minutes to yourself, your baby
wakes up and you move without hesitation,
unselfishly to attend to her needs.
I always said that the
first thing they should teach you in pre-natal
class to expect the unexpected. I was a well-meaning
mother. I read all the books, watched all the
birthing videos, went to aqua aerobics, ate well,
slept well, questioned, researched and queried until
I had exhausted every resource, determined to be
prepared for my new life. Which is why I think I
found the first six weeks of my baby girl's life so
bloody hard! I tried to create routine, I tried to
be 'super mum' and accompanied with the well-meaning
advice from friends, family, neighbours, and people
in the supermarket, I finally laid down in the
foetal position (mentally of course) and exclaimed
that it was all too hard (as many mothers do).
At this point, with a
little external professional assistance, I threw out
the books, jumped off the internet and started to
follow my instincts. Miraculously, it started to get
better from there. Baby Girl slept well, fed well,
played more and became a delight to be around.
Funnily enough, so did I! I think that being a
mother has made me realise that there is no more
important role, no greater social responsibility
than becoming a mother. I feel so incredibly blessed
to have this amazing experience to share with my
partner, my friends and my family.
And the best advice I can
offer to all mothers? Follow your instincts and
throw the books.
Myself as a Mother - A
Struggle by Yvonne
I have two wonderful boys
aged 8 and 6 but the first few years of their lives
were particularly hard. We move regularly with my
husband's work and he is away 15 nights of every
month. Unfortunately for me the moves came just
after each child was born. So, not only was I
adjusting to having a new person in my life, I was
also trying to make new friends and create a home
for our family in a new place. I found this
particularly hard and suffered from depression after
each birth.
But the worst part for me
was the actual adjustment to being a mother. I was a
workaholic until I had the boys, and found that I
missed the work and the social contact. But
what I missed most was also the identity that went
with the work. I had spent so long being a 'worker'
that I found I did not know who I was any more.
Myself as a mother was a new identity and one I
struggled to come to terms with. A mother is a
universal entity and as most of us have them (and
even if we don't) we still have a perception of what
and who a mother should be and how they should
behave. We judge mothers from this point of view
without even realising we are doing it. I had done
this myself on many occasions, but as a new mother I
found it hard to be this 'mother' person that
everyone expected me to be. I couldn't live up to
the expectations and it was daunting.
I finally realised that I
was putting too much pressure on myself. A mother is
not someone we become instantly once the child is
born. There is no perfect way to do anything, we
must all learn as we go along and work out what
works best for us and for our children. It also
takes time and experience to get to be the mother
that you want to be.
I am now quite
comfortable with the 'mother' part of myself. I can
now forgive myself for my mistakes - which we all
make!! And I have learned to cope with the
inevitable guilt that comes with being a working
mother and trying to find the perfect balance
between being the best mother, wife and worker I can
be. I have found that there will never be a perfect
balance as each area of your life will take
precedence over the others at various times. But I
make sure that no matter what happens that my
children understand that Mum is a human. I'm
not perfect and I try my best and that is all I can
really do. Honesty with my children, I believe,
helps not only me but also my children as we grow
together into their adulthood.
photograph ©
Mick Bradley from 'Being Mummy'
Motherhood Second Time
Round by Elbi
My eldest was born with
Hirschbrungs disease and I now have a little boy 3
months old who was conceived via IVF, ICSI with
genetic testing so that he wouldn't be born with
Hirschbrungs. The testing has been successful and we
have a baby with a normal bowel and he is quite
delightful. Interestingly he only does a poo every
9-14 days which initially sent me into a tiz as I
thought the genetic testing was unsuccessful. I have
been reassured that he is behaving normally for a
fully breastfed babe.
One of the most stressful
times for me was deciding with my husband whether or
not to have a second child as we both found
parenting extremely difficult at times. I did not
find the IVF process too stressful and this was
partially due to the fact I had a child already and
the IVF process was successful first time round.
My second labour was a
fairly routine normal delivery, where I used a TNS
machine for the first 4 hours and then went into
hospital for a water birth. The first month was hard
work with lots of sleep deprivation and the normal
emotional rollercoaster. However I had lots of
support overnight and managed to establish a good
sleep routine for my new son.
So I am now a mother of 2
children and I am kept very busy. I feel I am able
to enjoy each day and realise how much stress I
endured with my daughter. I didn't enjoy much of the
first 6 months of her life due to worry and going in
and out of hospital. My son has helped me to
understand how wonderful it is to have a little baby
around. I am very relaxed about making the decision
about when to return to work, this time round being
a mother full time is more important to me.
What Do We Tell Our
Children by Corinne
We tried naturally to
conceive for six years and then underwent 2 years of
ICSI. On our fourth attempt we were finally given a
beautiful baby girl. She was born by C-section 4
weeks early because she stopped growing and I
remember feeling cheated of a natural labour after
having intervention for everything else. I now look
back and believe this to be so selfish as it was in
the best interests of my daughter and myself that
she be delivered when and how she was. I was very
relieved to be able to breast feed her - at least I
COULD do something myself. We were even more
surprised to find I was pregnant a year later - all
by ourselves! We had a son naturally conceived and
delivered 4 weeks early. (They are 16 months apart).
I guess my main reason for writing here is that I
would like to know what other parents are going to,
or have told, their "IVF" children of how they came
about. Are parents being honest or are they fudging
the truth a little? I spoke to my IVF clinic and
they have provided me with resources to tell my
daughter although at this age she is too young to
understand any of it. I guess I just want to be
prepared for when the questions about where she came
from begin.
When Your Children
Aren't Babies Anymore by Mummy SAL
My motherhood experience
has undergone yet another evolution this week when
my son entered his final year of high school. The
realisation that this is the last year that I will
send him off looking smart in his school uniform and
the last year that my children will share the
experience of attending the same school everyday has
left me feeling quite overwhelmed. My head
understands that this is just another positive step
in his life and I certainly celebrate it, however my
heart feels sad for the changes at the same time. I
know for a fact that I have cried more tears this
week at home in an empty house than I did when the
children started school, maybe because it feels like
the end of an era rather than the beginning just
yet. As the year gets underway I am sure I will have
it all into perspective, but at the moment I feel
like indulging myself for a little while before I
blink and it's Valedictory Day!!!
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